Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.