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Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.