[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
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my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*