do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
The Weeknd is back
Ape together strong
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.