I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Just a reminder, folks:
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.