There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.