Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
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Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.