I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Best mom ever 😂
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”