#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.