Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You Might Also Like
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
work smarter, not harder
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem