I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”