How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Come back with a warrant
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…