You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
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Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
new wife guy just dropped
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes