I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
This bar smells like my childhood.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly