Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
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I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.