EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”