I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
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Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.