*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
You Might Also Like
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
pelicons
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.