Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
You Might Also Like
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
It be like that sometimes 😆
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”