why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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