My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack đ
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Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. Iâll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
âNecessity is the mother of inventionâ okay Iâm hooked, whoâs the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Iâm âmy wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Targetâ years married.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: itâs an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: itâs a squirrel