guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
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My beach vacation Google searches
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!