Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I already tried new things thanks.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️