Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here