me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Leaving the Barbers like
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.