i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Come back with a warrant
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.