When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know