Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
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My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.