[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
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12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.