My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
My sex drive has a dui
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord