Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?