Time heals everything 🙂
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dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating