I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.