Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
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My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
So true for me
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did