“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
You Might Also Like
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
being a writer on Twitter:
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened