Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
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Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.