Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music