[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
You Might Also Like
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.