I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?