Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
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Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye