Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead