Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.