The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
You Might Also Like
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
pizza
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass