Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*