The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?