I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Velcrow
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Good morning.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.