🤣dope
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*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.