Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You Might Also Like
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My work here is don’t.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.