I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
New menu item
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.