I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
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From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
i spent way too long on this
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
The little toadstool has spoken.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015